Good afternoon, After almost five months I write here again. Like so with my physical diaries, I only write in them when I am so desperate and so incredibly bored, hopeless of my current situation, when I have no one to talk to. From one side it's good I haven't written here for all these months! I was doing pretty well. Until the time of semester beginning came. Now. I am left all alone again and after just one week I break again. Most of the time I feel depressed I make it work by watching movies, art and the time passes by. I survive. But not now. Liszt plays once again as I write (by the way, if anyone knows how to write the code for music to play on every entry blog, not just the main screen like now, write me at lowehovett@gmail.com). I lay on my bed and write on the keyboard. My left hand slides comfortably over the letter due to the bandage on my wrist. No, it was not a suicide attempt, I just hurt myself by accident. I silence my mind and my noisy environment everyday by listening to music or people speak in the movies. Not anymore. My mind is silent and I do nothing anymore. The environment doesn't disturb me anymore. I have became completely apathic. I tried to save myself and probably will need to try further. On the 1st of September I met N. We became friends, out of my suggestion, for the main reason of my misery is loneliness. It was great talking to them and spent a day together, planned some next meet-ups. But that's it. It never happened. They messaged me once more, I ignored them. It pains me just a little bit because they are great. Turns out its not so easy to just make friends and become not lonely anymore. The friends, the people are not the problem, they are so friendly and want to be friends with you. You have gotten used to being alone all the time so much it's impossible to come out of this. Sure, try small, delicate steps. No. I refuse. People are great and there is no life without friends, but I am not brave enough, I don't want to, I am a human too and I will stay my own friend, forever, one which will never betray me or hurt me. Involuntarily. Don't make me choose the comfort of misery and hedonism over the hardships of improvement. Liszt goes great with cocaine. Write to you soon, Your Laura.
